When Families Hide the Nearness of Death

Tallahassee cremationBefore a Tallahassee cremation, as loved ones who are severely or terminally ill draw closer to death, some of their immediate family members may decide not to share the information that their lives are coming to an end with them.

There is no malice behind this. Instead, the family is trying to shelter the person who is dying from the reality that their death is very close. However, by keeping their loved one from knowing the truth of their condition, family members are creating consequences they may not consider.

By keeping the truth from their dying love one, for example, family members are making it impossible for their loved ones to be able to voice their questions and fears about dying and death.

It’s easier to understand the position we are putting our loved ones in when we hide the truth about imminent death from them if we put ourselves in their shoes. We should ask ourselves these questions:

  • If I know that death is just a few days, weeks, or months away, what would I want to say to my loved ones?
  • What would I want to ask about dying and death, and what would I need to hear that would help me be at peace?
  • Who would I want to be with me, and what types of decisions would I need to make?
  • Finally, are there certain things that are meaningful to me — books, mementos, works of art, music — that I would want with me that would help me be more comfortable?

When we answer these questions for ourselves, we can gain valuable insights about why we may be hiding the nearness of death from our loved ones. It may be that we are not only trying to protect them from the reality that they are close to death, but we are also trying to protect ourselves from that reality. That protectiveness stems from an awareness that losing our loved one is going to be extremely painful and from an awareness that we also are mortal and are going to die.

However, we need to remember that our efforts to protect or shelter our loved ones is depriving them of what they need to do during their final days on earth. This includes giving them the ability speak openly and honestly about what they want, what they are feeling, and what they still need to say.

This is a gift that can only be given in situations like this, when we and our loved ones know we have only a certain amount of time, and a finite opportunity to make use of it. This can be a great starting place for the conversations that will produce healing, forgiveness, and peace, as well as the open communication of their love.

Here’s something else to keep in mind about the dying process and trying to hide knowledge of death from our loved ones. In most cases, our loved ones already know that death is approaching. By covering that up or denying its reality, we deprive our loved ones of the opportunity to talk candidly about his or her concerns or desires surrounding death and to be able to put their lives in order before they die.

Tallahassee cremation

It’s, therefore, very important that we are open and truthful our loved ones about their impending death. We – and they – will get the opportunity to do this right just once.

If you would like information about a Tallahassee cremation, our compassionate and experienced staff at Lifesong Funerals & Cremations can help.

Social Distancing and Grief

Access to grief resources is among Tallahassee cremation services offered for families of loved ones who have died. Social distancing is a new term that has emerged out of novel coronavirus now sweeping across the globe.

Social distancing is limiting our amount of exposure to everyone else around us. Since there is so little known about how the novel coronavirus actually infects people – and who might be infectious and for how long – social distancing seems to give humans the best shot at keeping themselves from infecting other people or becoming infected themselves.

Tallahassee cremation services

However, social distancing, though a pragmatic solution, creates a lot of emotional turmoil by its very nature.

We know that people who are older, who have existing health problems or who are terminally ill, or who have weakened autoimmune systems are more vulnerable to being infected with the novel coronavirus and dying from it.

However, especially in a familial sense, those are the very people – our loved ones – that we want to be around during their last days on earth. Even if they are dying because they’ve been infected with the novel coronavirus, we don’t want them to die alone.

But social distancing, which is rigorously enforced by hospitals and by care facilities, makes it impossible for us to be with our dying loved ones. They are dying alone. We may experience guilt that they’re dying alone, and we may experience intense sorrow that they are dying alone, and there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it.

Their grief is that they are surrounded, not by their families at the end of their lives, but strangers. Our grief is that we can’t be there with them to comfort them and take care of them as they take their last breaths.

That is one aspect of grief that is magnified because of social distancing. The other aspect of grief that is magnified because of social distancing is the grief we experience after our loved ones die.

Because of social distancing limitations, we can’t have the traditional funeral rituals that are associated with death. Visitations, funeral services, memorial services, and funeral receptions are all designed to pay tribute to our loved ones and to have comfort and support around us as we say goodbye to our loved ones.

These funeral events are usually well-attended by friends, distant family members, neighbors, and other people we know. It’s in this collective of mourning that our loved ones are honored, and our grief is assuaged.

cremation servicesThere is no such honor for our loved ones or outlet for our grief with social distancing. Even if we have a virtual service of some sort for our loved one that people can attend or view online, it’s not the same as having people there in person.

Our grief, then, becomes more private, within the 10 or less people at the funeral home or even within our own homes, if we decide to do a small service at home ourselves until the restrictions have been lifted and the funeral home can do a full service for us.

We all grieve publicly and privately when we lose a loved one. But the public grieving – right at the beginning, when we need it most – has been removed from the equation with the novel coronavirus. We are left with nothing but private grief.

That can be hard because people have an even shorter window of expectation that you’ll move on in your grief, and this can include people who would have been among the mourners. Because they didn’t participate, it’s less real for them and they may project that feeling on to you.

If you want to know more about grief resources and Tallahassee cremation services, our compassionate and experienced staff at Lifesong Funerals & Cremations can help.

Funeral Homes are Important

Funeral homes provide a cremation service in Tallahassee, among many other things. You may not realize all that funeral homes do to make the funeral process for your deceased loved one easier for you and your family.

All of that is because the funeral home has a staff that genuinely cares about you and family’s needs, as well as about the needs of your loved one who has died. People who choose to be involved in providing funeral home services do it because they care about people.

cremation service in Tallahassee

Many of them choose funeral homes as their career because of their experiences with a friendly and supportive funeral home when they lost a loved one earlier in life. You will find some of the kindest, most patient, most gentle, and most serving people working in funeral homes.

That’s important to you and your family when you are grieving the death of your loved one.

You will also find that the people who work in funeral homes are knowledgeable and they provide excellent counsel on funeral planning and they have a large network of resources within the community to make sure that everything you and your loved one wanted for the funeral process happens.

Think about why you chose this funeral home. Perhaps you and your loved one sat down with the funeral director years, months, or even weeks ago, and talked about what you wanted for your funerals. Maybe that was the first time you met the funeral director, but they were so kind and caring that it made a huge impression on you.

Perhaps everyone in your family, for several generations, has used this funeral home. The reason for that was because of their service to all your loved ones and the trust and loyalty they’ve built up with your family and the community over the years.

Trust and loyalty can’t be overestimated, especially in the face of death. When you lose somebody you love, you become vulnerable. You are grieving and you aren’t thinking clearly about anything expect your loved one’s death. Having trust in the funeral home to be there, to take care of things, and to take care of you and your family and your deceased loved one is one of the most reassuring feelings you can have when you’re grieving.

Funeral homes do everything in death. They transport your loved one’s body from the place where they died. They meet with you and your family to make funeral arrangements. They don’t leave any stone unturned to make sure your wishes are met.

funeral planningThey will ask about the type of cremation you want. They will help you with urn selection, keepsake selection, memorial jewelry selection, and any other types of memorial items you may want for your loved one. They will help with the obituary if you don’t have one already written.

If you choose to have a memorial video, they will help you put that together. All you have to do is provide them with pictures and song selections, and they will create a beautiful tribute video for your loved one.

If you need the memorial service livestreamed or recorded, especially now with the COVID-19 restrictions that limit how many people can attend the service in person, the funeral home will help make that happen.

The funeral home staff will become friends. Although you may not socialize with them the way you would with other friends, they become part of your inner circle that you know you can call on at any time and they will be there.

For more information about any cremation service in Tallahassee, our caring and knowledgeable staff at Lifesong Funerals & Cremations is here to assist you.

Understanding Preplanning Your Cremation

If you’re thinking about preplanning a cremation in Tallahassee, FL, you may be putting it off because you have ideas about doing it that don’t square with the reality of doing it. You are not alone. Many people put off cremation and funeral preplanning because they don’t understand how beneficial it is, not only for them, but also for their families.

cremation in Tallahassee, FL

One idea that you may have that is holding you back from preplanning your cremation is that it will be better if you let your loved ones take care of it when you die. The reason you may believe this is because you may think that letting your family take care of planning your cremation will let them be able to do it the way they want to.

The reality is that planning a cremation after you die is one more burden that your family will have to add to the stress and grief they have because of your death and the void that has created in their lives.

They will plan the cremation, not on the basis of what they want, but on the basis of what they think you may have wanted. Without any indication from you of what those things would be, they will work harder and longer to try to guess to get it right for you.

When you preplan your cremation – and discuss it with your loved ones, as well as providing the funeral home and each of them with detailed instructions – you relieve them of an incredible amount of extra stress that you wouldn’t want them to have and that they shouldn’t have to go through.

You may also be putting off preplanning your cremation because you just can’t seem to find the time to sit down and do it. You know you need to create a folder with contact information, important papers, and detailed instructions on the cremation, the service, and what you would like done with your cremation remains. You know you need to talk with the funeral home and get everything on file with them.

But that takes time and it seems to be, right now, more time than you have. But consider this. If you believe that this is going to take a you a lot of time to do – and you probably have a pretty clear idea of what you want already and simply need to gather paperwork and write things down – think how much time it’s going to take your family to do.

final servicesIn fact, they won’t have the luxury of time like you do right now. They will need to make decisions quickly. They will feel rushed. And, they may, somewhere down the road, experience guilt or regret that they did or didn’t something because they forgot about it.

You can spare your loved ones that kind of pressure and the emotional baggage they may have to deal with long after you’re gone by taking the time now to preplan your cremation.

A final reason that you may be dragging your feet on preplanning your cremation is because you think your family won’t like some of the decisions you make about your cremation, about the service, and about what you want done with your cremation remains.

It’s your cremation. Do what you want. After you’ve preplanned it in detail and talked with the funeral home, then sit down with your family and go through all the details with them. Give them an opportunity to understand where you’re coming from, to voice their opinions (with explanations of why you chose what you did), and to come away from the discussion on the same page.

For more information about preplanning a cremation in Tallahassee, FL, including grief resources, our caring and knowledgeable staff at Lifesong Funerals & Cremations is here to assist you.

Cremation Clothes

You may not have thought about your deceased loved one’s clothes for a Tallahassee cremation, but if you haven’t, you’re in pretty good company. While you may give a lot of thought to the clothes that your loved one will wear when they are being buried (usually, because a viewing precedes the burial), clothing seldom enters the picture when your loved one is being cremation.

Tallahassee cremation

This is, in part, because the cremation process itself is still very mysterious to most Americans. Even though almost half of us are choosing to be cremated or have our loved ones cremated, we still don’t know exactly what happens during the cremation process.

The clothes you pick for your loved one to wear for their cremation are every bit as important as the clothes you would pick for them to wear if they were being buried.

It’s important to understand that the same dignity and respect is shown to and for your loved one by the funeral home regardless of whether they are being cremated or being buried. The funeral home staff will give them the same level of detail and attention, regardless of which final disposition method you choose.

However, there are special considerations for clothing when your loved one is being cremated that are not a factor when they are being buried, so you do need to be mindful of that when you are choosing the clothing they will be cremated in.

There are several different options that you can choose from. If your loved one died in the hospital or in a care facility, they may have died wearing a hospital gown, pajamas, or a robe. Generally, if hospice is involved in your loved one’s final care, they will clean the body and change clothes, so if there is a clean pair of pajamas or hospital gown, they will dress your loved one in that after they are clean.

This is perfectly acceptable clothing for your loved one to be cremated in as long as there is no metal in the clothing (snaps, for instance, on hospital gowns or pajama tops or bottoms). Metal can cause tremendous damage to a crematorium, so all external metal (this includes the cremation container, which must be completely combustible) must be removed before your loved one can be cremated.

cremation servicesYou might want your loved one to be cremated in clothes that were comfortable for them. Perhaps that was shorts and a t-shirt, or sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Again, as long as the clothing doesn’t have any metal in it, you can choose to have your loved one cremated in clothing that they wore all the time when they were at home.

You might want to dress your loved one up, just like you would for a viewing where they would be lying in a casket. Maybe they had a great black outfit that they looked very sharp in, or maybe they loved colorful clothing that mirrored their zest for and enjoyment of life. If this is what you want – or what they would want – then, by all means, dress them to the nines.

Be sure, however, to leave off jewelry (watches, rings, necklaces, tie clasps, cufflinks, etc.) and make sure the clothing doesn’t have any metal in it.

You can also choose to have your loved one cremated in an outfit that conveyed one of their interests in life. Perhaps they rooted for a specific football or baseball team, were an avid follower of a particular college’s sports, or participated in a particular sport themselves. It is very common for loved ones who are being cremated to be dressed in an outfit like this.

If you want to know more about cremation clothes at Tallahassee cremation, our compassionate and experienced staff at Lifesong Funerals & Cremations can help.